This is when we hide our challenges, but that is when loneliness peaks even more. We are afraid that we will impose on someone if we share what we are going through and that they will not have the space nor the mental capacity to support us and be there for us. When we are struggling with our mental health, we assume that people around us will not understand us, or they will judge us, or even worse, they will invalidate our struggle. It’s the moment when we feel we are a burden to someone’s life. Pandora’s box with all our fears and negative self-talk has opened. We keep ruminating over what is wrong with us, how unfairly everyone is treating us, how unlovable or unlikable we feel, and whether that means that we will be alone and disconnected forever. Not only do we feel ostracised, but we also feel ashamed of who we are. On top of that, no one is trying to help us integrate contrariwise, they let us struggle alone, and they go about forming even stronger bonds with the other members of the group, but not with us. We feel too different: different values, different culture, different beliefs. It’s the moment we are part of a group, a work group, a family group, a friend group, but we still feel that we don’t belong there. We have forgotten how it is to be emotionally connected. We are in pain and hurt from our partner and we choose to disconnect as a way of protecting our last energy resources. We are emotionally exhausted from trying for our relationship. We are afraid to reach out to each other. There is no emotional, no intellectual, no physical connection. It’s the moment when we sit next to our partner, but we have nothing to talk about.

We can see that they are not there, present and connected with us. It’s the moment when we are in a conversation with someone and they don’t seem genuinely interested in us: no eye contact, distracted on their phone, busy in their mind with something more interesting or urgent. We don’t share the same values we don’t authentically care about each other. This means that they are not able to understand us, to feel our struggles, to resonate with our experience. It’s when we feel that people around us are not aligned with us, not in the same space with us. One type of loneliness is the feeling of disconnection from others. Actually, in many cases they are interrelated. As a psychotherapist, I have worked with many people when they are going through tough periods in their life, and I have come to observe and realise that during these periods they experience two kinds of loneliness, without meaning that one excludes the other. Loneliness is a profound state of distress. Loneliness is the feeling of disconnection.

So, what is loneliness then? What is loneliness? Contrariwise, you can feel at peace, connected, calm, joyful, satisfied with your life, you name it. You can be all by yourself and yet, not feel lonely at all. You can be around other people, your partner, your family and still feel lonely. Feeling lonely is not the same as being alone.

Im so lonely